"Sit "...for god's sake

This is my substitute baby. I will not disclose her name as you'll think she's daft. Anyone who knows my baby will tell you that she likes to lick - a lot. Over the years, our shoes, faces, walls, settees, friends, glasses, fingers and toes have all been licked, a lot. We have learnt to live with our fluffy friend and she us but there are some things about her that we will never understand. Perhaps I should tell you how I came to be mother to this baby of mine.

A few years ago, my future husband and I decided we needed a pet. We probably should have just had kids but never mind about that. We were told about an English lady who had found some abandoned puppies in the French countryside and so went to take a look, on Christmas Eve. To cut a long story short, we took this poor little "Spaniel" home with us and she loved us for ever more. As time went on, the spaniel began to grow, a lot. In fact, the handsome vet speculated, shook his head and said alors, not a spaniel my friends but a St Bernard. Oh shit, double shit and triple shit we said. But we loved her all the same.

If you've ever seen the film Marley and Me, well we're not far behind. Said pet has dragged us through markets, licked small children's faces in public when my back was turned, ripped off collars, flipped and spun shitzus into the air for lunch and drewled and dribbled all over the place. Oh, and not forgetting the time she greeted me at the door with my vintage peep toe poking through her chops.

That aside she is the perfect pet. We can't train her very well, but that's our fault. When we go to bed at night we have to put chairs on the settees so she doesn't sneak on and when we go out we have to leave a light on. This fluffball leaves furballs everywhere and sleeps with her legs in the air. She rules the roost. All this for the undying love she shows you, even when you've been out for just five minutes, or gone to get the post in. It's like she hasn't seen you for years. The best friend you could ever have and probably the most adoring amber teddy bear eyes you have ever seen. We love her back from the bottom of our hearts. She will probably never read this, but in case you do mutt, we love you...and get off the computer.