The Usual Sausages

I often find myself caught up in ooh la la jokes, I think I start them sometimes without realising the error of my ways. In fact, sometimes I arrive at work with such a catalogue of events on a Monday morning that even they've started calling me La Bridget Jones... At Christmas, I got a little more than I bargained for when I ordered my usual from the butcher however...

On around 20th December I phoned the local Boucher to order our Oie for Christmas lunch. I love goose with all the trimmings and it must be said that his is a mighty fine "wah". Every time I order without fail, he laughs his head off, thinks my pronuciation leaves a lot to be desired. He's probably right. Too many years in voice training at the BBC and I can't quite shake my English accent. Anyway, some people say it's charmant! He looks a bit like a shrunken version of Quentin Tarantino so of course we delight in joking about his latest film, " The Usual Sausages". However, on ordering my Oie, after the usual jokes, Mme suddenly asked me if I was expecting. I have begun to dread this question.

" Er, mais non pas encore " I spluttered.

To my horror, she turned to her husband and shouted in French " She's not pregnant yet darling."

Ew, this was feeling a bit embarrassing and I was getting a little hot under the collar.

" When would you like him to come round and show you how it's done? "

While she was talking I'd decided to have a quick slurp of tea. Needless to say with the outburst of laughter I am still wiping off the spray from the computer desk weeks later.

" Oh, er, non, we're fine merci but I'll let be sure to let you know how we get on".

Not on your nelly! Mon dieu.

And, so she she laughed and repeated my order back to me,

"Donc, that's une Oie!

" Yes, one Wah " I said.

"Oie" she said

" Wah " I said
"
"Oeeeeaaarrrghhhh " she squawked back

" Yes, WAHHHHHHHH " I slightly shouted back.

"Bon, parfait. "

I was just about to sign off when she said " and you'll pop in and pick it up soon? And let me know if you want our assistance"

Jeez, I didn't dare ask for a sausage with that. What with all the Wah wah ing I think the neighbours probably thought we'd confused Christmas with Valentines night already.

So, my fellow ex pat friends, make the most of the not understanding and steer clear of my mistakes or you too may live your life in France like a carry on movie. They were only joking of course but I must admit, I am slightly anxious about visiting the shop now at closing time, just in case I am whisked out the back and artificially mated with one of their prize ganders.